Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
