insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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