this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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