I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
