Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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