If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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