I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
