ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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