Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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