ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
