She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
