Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't turn off my feet"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
