I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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