I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
