i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
