remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
