how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
