I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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