My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
