go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
