she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
