Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
