WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
