So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
