My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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