It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
