i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
