3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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