Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm like, not good at living.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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