I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
