You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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