He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
