tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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