Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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