Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
