I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
