i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
