Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
