you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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