I hate all girls vehemently.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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