Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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