My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
