Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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