I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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