six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
