I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
