i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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