The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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