last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
