bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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